there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
