I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
