Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize