there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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