Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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