how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
