I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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