Soap is not a condiment
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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