I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
