nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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