I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You can't motorboat a personality
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Randomize
