Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I lost the right to judge tonight
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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