I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
