I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
