Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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