Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
