I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
