I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
