I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
