Soap is not a condiment
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
