Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
