The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
