sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
