my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
