If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
