the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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