I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
