Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He better not be in your backpack
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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