just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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