i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize