I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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