Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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