Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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