i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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