everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
