god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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