I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
