Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
