A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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