I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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