Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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