im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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