last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
