I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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