The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
