Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
