My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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