My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
