Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
