He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
