got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
