i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
