i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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