even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize