Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
