he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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