a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
