Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
