So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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