just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
