you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
