well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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