That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
